Hello

Where do I start.... 

One of my earliest childhood memories is my mother's wedding day. I remember after her and "my dad" (we will get to that soon) got married asking if it was ok to call him dad. To me at the time, it didn't seem off. Fast forward through my mothers multiple failed relationships, 12 different schools, and A LOT of things I never understood until I got older. I was 13 walking in the house from the bus, my mom says "You have 30 mins to grab whatever you can we are leaving". What she meant is we were running away again from another failed marriage. Car packed, grandmother in the moving truck behind us, she tells me Ive never met my biological father. Great timing huh? I was angry, upset, I WANTED TO BE THE ONE TO RUN AWAY, but I couldn't, I was stuck in a car with her. I told her she was going to find him. Where was he? Why did he never try to find me? Why did you lie for so long through EVERYTHING. 

I met him, and I believe this is the very moment I created the deepest layers all around my being to protect myself from ever being hurt or lied to again. At the time my mother and I lived in Indiana, and he lived in Georgia. Well we really didn't live anywhere (remember we were on the run, again). My mother stayed in Georgia to find work (so I thought) and lived with my grandfather who lived in Georgia as well. I went back to Indiana and lived with my best friend for the next year, while my mom figured her shit out. I get a phone call from my mom, saying her and my father got married....... Me- "Well here we go again". I went from growing up in single and double wide trailers, never owning a name brand anything, to moving in with my dad who was at the time trying to make up for everything materialistically. Im talking water bed, own phone line, Abercrombie clothes, MY OWN ROOM (which I had never had), and this was also 2001 so no judgment zone here. I was overwhelmed and started to spiral. 

They got pregnant and had my little sister when I was 15, and it all kinda went down hill from there. I started smoking pot, sneaking out, drinking, doing drugs, dating terrible wanna be thugs, cutting myself (the pain I felt relieved pain inside), and going to jail. 

After I graduated high school I moved out immediately, my parents got a divorce (thats a story for another time), and I continued my really great habits of dating terrible men and making terrible choices. Ive been punched in the face by a man while I was driving down the road, Ive been beat up and locked in a closet, verbal abuse, had I gun held to my head, cheated on, almost lost my life in a car accident, and all of this and you STILL would've thought I would've gotten my shit together...... nah I like to push the limits on life. I was still so young, still not able to trust anyone, no one to turn to for advice, no role models, I was turned out into the world with nothing. 

I was 22 and following my modeling career. I felt like I was on top of the world. I had modeled all growing up, and I always loved being in front of the camera. I was modeling for Maxim at the time and they flew me out to audition for the Maxim UFC 100 Ring Girl. I was barely taking care of myself, pretty much living on vodka, ramen, and blow, but I still thought I was on top of the world. I went to Vegas, partied my ass off,  and had a blast hanging with a ton of celebrities. I got second place, but was offered a job to DJ out there. When I flew home to Georgia, of course I had to keep the party going. I was on the patio with a friend, taking a drag of my cigarette, and I looked over to her and said "Im pregnant." Sure enough a couple days later when I checked, thats the day my life would change forever. There is a 100% chance I wouldn't be here sharing my story with you right now if I had moved to Vegas and not followed through having my beautiful baby girl. I was in no position to have a baby. My parents begged me to get an abortion, I knew I was going to lose all my friends, I mean hell I was the party girl, the gives zero fucks girl, the one you call that always says yes to going out. I made a decision that day, that this was a sign from the Universe to level up. 

I was a single mom for the first 4 years, working multiple jobs, little to no friends, and still as lost in life as ever. I had no idea what I was doing aside from the fact that I felt like I was following in my mother's foot steps which made me furious.

I can't say I was perfect during motherhood, I can't say I stayed sober, and I can't say I made all the right choices. What I can say is that I did the best I could, and I thank her everyday for saving my life as we grew up together and she taught me so much about life. She is a teenager now, and still such an amazing kid, so I must have done something right along the way. 

When I was 31 I met my ex-husband and married him 55 days after knowing him. I was a runner. I had trust issues. I had commitment issues, I had all the issues haha. I felt pressure to give my daughter a normal life, I felt pressure to settle down, and just pressure in general. I do not regret any decisions or obstacles I have gone through in my life, as they have all taught me very valuable lessons. Going through that marriage and divorce showed me that if I do not focus on healing myself and my childhood trauma, nothing was going to change and I was going to be a repeat of my mother.

 

I have dedicated the last 4-5 years to reflecting internally, and acknowledging the things that need addressed. Self help is not something that you do and it all goes away. It is almost in the same category as recovery, one day at a time. I have tried all the things, I have read tons of books, I have talked to psychics and therapists, sage has touched every last ounce of my soul, women's groups, meditation, journaling, and the list goes on. I am at a place where I am ready to share my healing powers with you. I know that I was put through all of these things to push me into this knowledge and break my generational relapses. There is not a whole lot I haven't been through (I could write a book), but I am here to tell you that our past does not define us. Our past is there to push us to be the greatest version of ourselves, and to take it head-on and create greatness from it. 

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Are you ready to take on your past head-on? 

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(Full disclosure I have forgiven both my parents and have a relationship with them both as well as my "first dad")

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